She plays with the knife drawing it over her skin, watching the blood flow. Serenity, paradise, that’s what it leads to but she only does this in her mind, fear holding her back from doing it in the real world. There’s a hold on her throat, a pressing feeling on her chest. She goes without eating as punishment, it’s gotten worse because she can feel her tripe twisting, the feeling of throwing up strong in her stomach from the emptiness. She doesn’t want to be here but she doesn’t want to go home either, she wants to be free. Free in the sense of not belonging. She’s not sure where she’ll end up if it will be up above hearing corals and children laughing or below, burning in flames as her screams for help is of no use. Hell seems like the perfect fit at the moment…she doesn’t deserve to be happy, she couldn’t help him so she doesn’t deserve to be happy. She deserves to burn in hell and scream until her throat goes dry, the flames grow hotter, never ending, never seizing, and neither does her screams. Scream, that’s all she wants to do; scream out her frustration, scream out her pain, scream for her lost, scream for death to come and take her. She sees death as her escape. An escape from her pain, her misery, and her heartache.
She’s in college but he couldn’t finish primary school, how is that fair? She can’t compare to him, she can’t be the change he would have. She’s not as smart as he was or loved as he was, she’s not as needed as he was. It hurts and they will never understand how much it hurts. She doesn’t say anything because they’ll just say the same thing over and over again ‘you’re stupid, you need to let go yadda.’ She’s tired, so tired of pretending that it’s catching up with her. She’s tired of pretending like she’s okay like everything is fine when it’s not like she is not falling apart when she is. She doesn’t remember what he looks like, what he sounds like, what he felt like, what he smelled like, she hardly remembers him and it’s killing her. She’s tired of waking up in the middle of the night trying to remember every detail of him but fail to do so and ends up crying herself to sleep day in day out. She beats herself up because she’s here and he’s not because she can’t remember him and it’s starting to take a toll on her. She doesn’t know how to pretend or play it off anymore because it’s starting to become too much and she’s not sure how much longer she’ll be able to hold on. She doesn’t want to hold on anymore. She can’t do it without him anymore, she can’t pretend anymore, she can’t lie that she has forgotten him anymore. She can’t hold herself up anymore for this world because only the thought of him holding her together but now she can’t remember you and she’s been falling apart because of it.
She’s dying without him. He didn’t even tell her goodbye and that’s what haunts her the most, he didn’t tell her goodbye. For months now she has been falling apart with no one to help her, they think she is just acting out but what they fail to see is that she is falling apart and just doesn’t know how to pull herself back to pretending. If only she could hear his voice again, maybe then she could pretend to be okay again and go back to the girl everyone is used to but now she has forgotten what he sounds like and look like and she’s not sure what to do. These past few months of not knowing have been killing her, she can’t close her eyes anymore and hear his voice or see his face and she’s not sure what to do. The photos have gotten blurry that she can’t make out his face which is another bullet to the heart. Why can’t she be normal? Screw that shit, why can’t she have him back? When is death going to see that it was a mistake to take him? It’s been so long how come he/she can’t see they made a mistake, why can’t they see they should have taken her instead? She needed him and death took him.
When will she ever get a response as to why he was taken? When will she ever get a good reason as to why she needs him? Can’t they see that she needs to remember him to survive? She needs to remember him to go back to the girl everyone is used to. She’s tired of faking laughs and faking smiles to seem half okay when all she is, is gone. So far gone that she’s dead, so freaking dead that the only thing that keeps her alive is the sound of her dead brother’s voice and his image but now she doesn’t remember any of it so she’s degenerating. There’s no one to save her and she can’t even save herself, so she waits for death to realize its mistake. She waits for death to undo it, undo its mistake or give her a chance to hear her sweet brother’s voice again and remember what he looks like. She waits because that’s all that’s left to do. While she goes nuts, she waits.