I’m a runner, running is my favourite hobby. I’m not an athletic runner thou, I’m more of a mental and emotional runner. I tend to run whenever I feel overwhelmed. I run when I feel like my world is caving in, even when it is not. I tend to over think certain aspects of my life which sometimes do not need analyzing. which then sends me into a downward spiral of loneliness and despair.
I try to follow the mantra “live in the present and not in the past” but the unknown scares me. So, I dwell in the past. It’s not healthy, I know, but it’s comforting. It’s comforting and dangerous because that cushiony blanket of the past that protects me, keeps me from living the live I should be living. It stops me from being the person I could be, fabulous and all.
I tend to write my feelings down but once I feel like I’m getting too dragged in, I close the book or power down the computer and run because I do not want to face facts. I’m afraid of facing the unknown. I started this blog because I find freedom in writing but once I feel like I’m enjoying it too much, I run. I run because I’m not sure I deserve that happiness. I know everyone deserves happiness and love but sometimes you can’t turn off that small voice in your head that says you don’t.
I’ve been running for a long time now and I’m tired. I’m ready to rest. I’m ready to let myself live in the present and set myself free. I know it will be a challenge but I’m prepared to take it one day at a time. I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to be afraid anyone. I actually want to live in the present and just take my past for what it was. A lesson lived and learnt.
It’s time I become the person that I’ve kept trapped inside of a cage in my head for so long.
So in order to help set her free, I’m going to try and write everyday. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as I write because writing is what radiates off her like an atomic bomb and it’s time I let it explode.